BDSM: Age Matters

If you’ve any familiarity with my writing, you’ll notice that I do not shy away from controversial opinions. Yet I do not espouse these positions simply for the sake of generating attention or from a place of prejudice, I formulate my opinions over the course of many years, reflecting on my personal experience and observations and after countless hours of careful consideration. Recently I was indirectly accused of ‘gate-keeping'(essentially snobbery) against vast swathes of the BDSM community on Twitter for positions I’ve held on age-appropriateness. Since I am always willing to further expand upon and defend my stances, I felt this post was a worthwhile exercise…

As far back as I can remember into my childhood, I’ve always been a rather sexual being. I was attracted to girls from the tender age of five and always had girlfriends. These were completely wholesome ‘puppy-love’ relationships, we held-hands on the playground, I would pass notes to them in class with little love poems I had written, I would fight other boys to defend their honour and whatnot; It was all so terribly sweet…Of course as I grew into puberty, these relationships also continued to grow, instead of the typical awkwardness of most boys at school-dances, I welcomed the corny rock-ballads so popular at the time as an opportunity to connect intimately through slow-dance, often purposefully striding past the popular girls to ask the shy nerdy types for a dance. Interestingly, one of these ‘ugly-ducklings’ actually grew up to become a famous and quite beautiful pop-star. There were kisses, that turned into french-kisses, that turned eventually into make-out sessions as I entered high-school. This is where the wholesome part of the story ends…

It’s no secret that typical teenage boys have but one thing on their minds; sex; and I was certainly no exception in this regard. I lost my virginity at 15, though it was in the context of a committed relationship with a girl my own age, who was already more experienced than me. She introduced me to BDSM, though I had no idea that’s what it was called. I viewed it in the light of the natural exploration of my sexuality, though in retrospect we were clearly practicing a d/s relationship with her in the dominant role, while I was the eager-to-please service sub. We had befriended other kinky couples in our school who were similarly making it up as they went and that was where it stood, our own small scene of intimate friends who shared this secret of being kinky with our partners behind closed doors. There was no adult influence at all, just teenagers finding their own way together. Let me be crystal clear, this is the only legal and acceptable way for minors to engage in consensual BDSM, with their peers, in private.

As I grew into legal adulthood though, I really began to seek out my local IRL scene. I found myself increasing attracted to women much older than me. In my foolish naivety I expected that there would be a surplus of dommes willing to take on a beautiful young boy-toy such as myself, the reality went much differently. I was continually rejected as ‘too young’ by every older woman I approached(this lasted even into my late 20’s). I took to the nascent online chat rooms where it wouldn’t be readily apparent that I was as young as I was. My natural charm and emotional maturity got my foot in the door with many women, only to be more reluctantly rejected when I did reveal my age. It was terribly depressing, I had women my own age constantly throwing themselves at me, yet here I was throwing myself at dommes old enough to be my mother…

I can only thank Providence that I was born as a heterosexual man, because had I been such an eager young twink, or a sexy young girl, I would have inevitably fallen into the clutches of any number of pimps, pornographers, and other dangerous predators. Make no mistake about it, middle-aged men who lust after 18 year-olds are predators, no matter the historical precedents or appeals to natural biology drummed up to support it, it remains ethically wrong to take advantage of a young person who has not yet reached full emotional and brain development maturity. Luckily every woman I ever approached instinctively knew this to be true. Even the one domme I did convince to take me on, only agreed to a hands-off mentorship relationship. Honestly as much as I hated being summarily judged on the basis of age alone it was truly the best thing for me…

Once upon a time I was young and stupid and quite literally begged women to take advantage of me, and they absolutely refused to. I’ve only lived to tell the tale, free from emotional and physical trauma because of the happenstance of my gender and sexual-preference, most of you won’t be so fortunate…

I desperately wanted a mommy-domme, but ultimately the way in which I arrived at that achievement was by building a relationship with an amazing woman my own age, and investing the many years it took until we naturally grew into that dynamic. We all want to take shortcuts when we are young, but trying to find instant gratification in this arena can be terrifyingly dangerous, if that makes me a snob or a gatekeeper so be it…

 

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