BDSM: Mistakes, We All Make Them…

So if you read my work of late you’ll notice that I think very highly of my ethical philosophy and my skills in the dark arts of kink. The blunt reality however, just like every other human being on the planet I am not perfect. I have made mistakes, and I’m not talking about the sometimes humorous missed strikes, or dirty-talk fails, I’m talking about ethical mistakes that actually hurt people spiritually(never physically)…

The vast majority of these poor decisions and bad behaviour happened at a time in my youth before I had discovered philosophy or had any formal training in the BDSM world. I had played riskily and informally with vanilla girls, without safe-words or negotiation, leaving ‘no’ as the option always on the table while I did my sensual dom thang without even understanding that consent needed to be explicit. I always respected ‘no’ and occasionally received them for specific acts, but even to this day have never seriously pushed a partner to have to ‘hard-no’ or safe-word out of a scene. And although I can honestly say that if I had a dissatisfied ex-partner bedroom-wise I never had one say so to my face, all of them however had other perfectly legitimate reasons to hate the person I was outside of the bedroom…

I knew that I had a desire for non-monogamy and polyamory as a young teen, well before I possessed the language to describe it in those terms. Sometimes I wonder if I was the only boy who aspired to be the leader of a sex cult when he grew up. Starting a religion for the purposes of being worshiped as a demi-god by a faithful harem of sex-slaves is hardly a new thing, it doesn’t make me any odder than say a Joseph Smith or Brigham Young of Mormon infamy. The main difference being however, that my religion fully admits that its gods are not real and it really is all about the sex…

The problem with my stance on non-monogamy was that my views were usually well outside the norm for my partners. So I didn’t speak about it, didn’t seek consent for it…These are failures on a grand-scale. Vanilla people call that cheating, but the reality is I was in long-term relationships with a primary partner and could at times be found carrying-on multiple simultaneous relationships with only myself having knowledge of the situation, that is quite a bit worse then just cheating on your significant-other.

I have used my powers for evil, leaving a trail of emotional destruction to those girls and women caught up in my selfish behaviour. The non-ethical non-monogamy was inexcusable, and even though it has still caused occasional problems in my marriage, I feel worse about how I have used my sexuality as a weapon and truly objectified women in my youth. All of the natural gifts and talent that I possess that now make me a ‘good dom’ and a reasoned-philosopher also allowed me to manipulate people towards my own ends…

Coming up from nothing in the poorest neighborhoods of Toronto, you would expect a player to fall in with the hard crowd as a mere matter of survival, but the truth is probably closer to I actually am a bad-ass at heart, without the strict controls of the ethics of Stoicism I would be almost un-redeemable. I don’t just play a bad-man in the bedroom, I have the real-world experiences, scars, and record of an O.G. but I eventually saw the light and reformed which is usually how you ever get to be an O.G…

I have always loved a challenge, but it is a pretty terrible thing to use women for that express purpose. I have all of the tools to seduce a woman, but using those skills to prove some sort of point to myself or others is such a douche-bag move. Like hunting the bi-curious lesbian of an otherwise happy couple. How about a rousing game of ‘What would happen if I hit on my friend’s girl?’. How about ‘getting freebies from sex workers’, ‘or my girl needs to pay me’…I was such an ass…

Thankfully however I found BDSM, Philosophy, and my wife(in that order) and all three shared an equal and integral role in my conversion from terrible human being to the sage and wizened daddy and man that I am today. There are no perfect men or perfect doms out there, even if everything else checks out and they look and sound authentic everyone has flaws, everyone has done bad things…No matter the fantasy under it all people are still real people…

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